Expectations are rarely fulfilled. I figured as much when I made it to Rome, expecting a warm, tropical paradise of great food, beautiful women and a easy classes. Well, I was right about the food and the classes, but most of what I expected wasn't even close to reality.
I came here hoping to be affirmed. I got that at Marquette, instead, Italy humbled me. I expected easy, and got knocked on my ass.
In hushed conversations on lonely afternoons, mom and I would talk and type for hours, discussing the rollercoaster bumps of life: Bud has cancer, it's hard making friends abroad, Julie is having trouble finding a college that works, I'm depressed, we don't talk enough. I miss you.
And life goes on. I realized that I had come here hoping that I would figure out somethings about myself, affirm the person I wanted to be and become, well, awesomer than awesome. Sounded reasonable at the time.
"Did you ever think that you aren't in Italy to fall in love, but rather to figure out what it is about yourself that you love?''
I quiver at the thought. What do I love about myself? I'm not really sure. I'm lovable, I know that. Heck, I'm The Rudz. To know me is to love me. But do I love myself? Do I know myself?
My mind was obsessed with the question. Always questions, always answers more complicated than I wanted.
Dad visited, we traveled, ate gelato, I pondered love of self. Can I love myself? Am I allowed to do that? Isn't that selfish?
I hiked back to our hotel one night along the Vatican Wall, pondering the self, myself, late into the night. I had always read that self-realization, fulfillment, the pinnacle of human endeavors is the death of the self. Christ lives inside us, he is apart of us as we are his children. So then, logically, the self has to be put to death in order to reach Christ. The Ego, the selfish wants and needs of one person, are all that stand in the way. They must be defeated in order to reach fulfillment. That's what I'm after, right?
And then it hit me: in order to put the self to death, I have to love myself first. I.e. I have to love myself to put the self to death. Only then can it be given away. I stopped in my tracks, realizing I had reached the sign for the "Musei Vaticani." I was stunned at my revelation.
Time passed, I pondered more on the subject of fulfillment, of my purpose. Everything must have a purpose for an ENFP like me, everything fits in a cosmic whole. In God's Divine Providence, there are no coincidences.
And then my best friends came to visit. Brett revealing how much I value their company, and yesterday, Tim revealing to me just how much they mean to me emotionally. Those were the 2 best hours of my week while Tim was here.
We shared a cone of Gelato at Old Bridge Gelateria, on the same corner as that sign for the Vatican Museums. Rarely in life do we have the privilege of hearing our thoughts clearly, concisely, piercing and firm in our minds. Thoughts that speak like a booming voice, overwhelming everything else in our heads. But that's what I heard when I walked back from dropping Tim off at the Stazione Termini.
Coming to Rome has made me see something else in man that I've missed before, something that was so crystal clear yesterday afternoon as I walked back home: we are full of hope. I see it in each and every face on the street, people walking, begging, sitting, photographing, kissing, driving, staring.
There is so much love in the world, I see it reflected in my friends. If I ever doubted God's love for mankind, then those doubts were dashed by my friends. We have so much potential, so much Hope in us. So much ability. I can see it in everyone, clearer than ever before. I haven't quite sorted out the feelings, and I feel they fall on the page like a shattered glass. But yesterday, I swore I could see something different in people, a love for people that wasn't here before, wasn't something I identified with myself. Each person visiting me in Rome has revealed something to me about myself, something I do love about me. Something I didn't know before.
I watch the faces as I pass them in the street, overwhelmed with the hope of it all. Mankind has never done well underneath restrictions, never reached its potential by being forced into anything.
Instead, we reach our peak, our very best, when we are inspired. When we find someone, something to follow, someone to believe in, we can go wherever we want, as far as we want. We only need that inspiration. The hope is there, waiting to be harnessed, waiting to push us beyond our potential.
Anyways, this was my most recent epiphany as of late. It still leaves me with questions, but at least it's something I can grasp, something I can identify with my own eyes.
I'm still getting used to this whole notes/blogging thing, but I thought that if I penned this, some good might come of it. Bene, bene.
hope this note finds all who read it well, keep safe and say a prayer for Virginia Tech and for US Embassy in Morocco.
God Bless, Ciao Ragazzi,
Rudz
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