Expectations are rarely fulfilled. I figured as much when I made it to Rome, expecting a warm, tropical paradise of great food, beautiful women and a easy classes. Well, I was right about the food and the classes, but most of what I expected wasn't even close to reality.
I came here hoping to be affirmed. I got that at Marquette, instead, Italy humbled me. I expected easy, and got knocked on my ass.
In hushed conversations on lonely afternoons, mom and I would talk and type for hours, discussing the rollercoaster bumps of life: Bud has cancer, it's hard making friends abroad, Julie is having trouble finding a college that works, I'm depressed, we don't talk enough. I miss you.
And life goes on. I realized that I had come here hoping that I would figure out somethings about myself, affirm the person I wanted to be and become, well, awesomer than awesome. Sounded reasonable at the time.
"Did you ever think that you aren't in Italy to fall in love, but rather to figure out what it is about yourself that you love?''
I quiver at the thought. What do I love about myself? I'm not really sure. I'm lovable, I know that. Heck, I'm The Rudz. To know me is to love me. But do I love myself? Do I know myself?
My mind was obsessed with the question. Always questions, always answers more complicated than I wanted.
Dad visited, we traveled, ate gelato, I pondered love of self. Can I love myself? Am I allowed to do that? Isn't that selfish?
I hiked back to our hotel one night along the Vatican Wall, pondering the self, myself, late into the night. I had always read that self-realization, fulfillment, the pinnacle of human endeavors is the death of the self. Christ lives inside us, he is apart of us as we are his children. So then, logically, the self has to be put to death in order to reach Christ. The Ego, the selfish wants and needs of one person, are all that stand in the way. They must be defeated in order to reach fulfillment. That's what I'm after, right?
And then it hit me: in order to put the self to death, I have to love myself first. I.e. I have to love myself to put the self to death. Only then can it be given away. I stopped in my tracks, realizing I had reached the sign for the "Musei Vaticani." I was stunned at my revelation.
Time passed, I pondered more on the subject of fulfillment, of my purpose. Everything must have a purpose for an ENFP like me, everything fits in a cosmic whole. In God's Divine Providence, there are no coincidences.
And then my best friends came to visit. Brett revealing how much I value their company, and yesterday, Tim revealing to me just how much they mean to me emotionally. Those were the 2 best hours of my week while Tim was here.
We shared a cone of Gelato at Old Bridge Gelateria, on the same corner as that sign for the Vatican Museums. Rarely in life do we have the privilege of hearing our thoughts clearly, concisely, piercing and firm in our minds. Thoughts that speak like a booming voice, overwhelming everything else in our heads. But that's what I heard when I walked back from dropping Tim off at the Stazione Termini.
Coming to Rome has made me see something else in man that I've missed before, something that was so crystal clear yesterday afternoon as I walked back home: we are full of hope. I see it in each and every face on the street, people walking, begging, sitting, photographing, kissing, driving, staring.
There is so much love in the world, I see it reflected in my friends. If I ever doubted God's love for mankind, then those doubts were dashed by my friends. We have so much potential, so much Hope in us. So much ability. I can see it in everyone, clearer than ever before. I haven't quite sorted out the feelings, and I feel they fall on the page like a shattered glass. But yesterday, I swore I could see something different in people, a love for people that wasn't here before, wasn't something I identified with myself. Each person visiting me in Rome has revealed something to me about myself, something I do love about me. Something I didn't know before.
I watch the faces as I pass them in the street, overwhelmed with the hope of it all. Mankind has never done well underneath restrictions, never reached its potential by being forced into anything.
Instead, we reach our peak, our very best, when we are inspired. When we find someone, something to follow, someone to believe in, we can go wherever we want, as far as we want. We only need that inspiration. The hope is there, waiting to be harnessed, waiting to push us beyond our potential.
Anyways, this was my most recent epiphany as of late. It still leaves me with questions, but at least it's something I can grasp, something I can identify with my own eyes.
I'm still getting used to this whole notes/blogging thing, but I thought that if I penned this, some good might come of it. Bene, bene.
hope this note finds all who read it well, keep safe and say a prayer for Virginia Tech and for US Embassy in Morocco.
God Bless, Ciao Ragazzi,
Rudz
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
On fat little Italian boys named Fabrizzio
I have this theory on fat little Italian boys. There's a million of them around Italy, and their unmistakable. You can also tell when you see a fat, grown Italian man with a 12 o'clock shadow. He may look 50, but deep down, there's a fat little Italian boy wiggling to get out.
Clear whatever's on your mind and prepare for this mental picture. These little boys are
usually about 8 years old, roly-poly fat, and have the shorter, greasy, curly black hair. For whatever reason, they love the color orange, and usually prefer orange-striped shirts. Their pants, regardless of jeans or khakis, are usually a few inches too short to cover their socks.
And they love to skip. You can see them down the sidewalks of Via Nazionale in the hot Italian sun, swinging their arms as they hold a coat in one hand and lick the lollipop in the other, stopping at candy shops as they go. If you're really lucky, they wear one of those multi-color beanies with the propeller on top. Priceless.
If you come to Rome, watch out for little Fabrizzio, he's always around.
Clear whatever's on your mind and prepare for this mental picture. These little boys are
usually about 8 years old, roly-poly fat, and have the shorter, greasy, curly black hair. For whatever reason, they love the color orange, and usually prefer orange-striped shirts. Their pants, regardless of jeans or khakis, are usually a few inches too short to cover their socks.
And they love to skip. You can see them down the sidewalks of Via Nazionale in the hot Italian sun, swinging their arms as they hold a coat in one hand and lick the lollipop in the other, stopping at candy shops as they go. If you're really lucky, they wear one of those multi-color beanies with the propeller on top. Priceless.
If you come to Rome, watch out for little Fabrizzio, he's always around.
Camera Broken!
I've lost a limb! The other night, I broke the shutter on my Nikon D50! It was sitting on a box in my room, and then things got tangled up in cords. Next thing I knew, it was on the ground. I didn't think anything of it, it was a very short fall, but apparently enough that it broke the shutter and debilitated my digital camera abilities.
2 weeks to get it replaced, I leave for Morocco on Friday, hopefully it'll be done soon! Good thing I brought a back up camera. It's film, but she's a beaut.
I'm very excited about Morocco, after this weekend, I'll have been on every continent except Antarctica! Have to brag.
Long overdue
Ragazzi,
It's been a month since I really sat down and blogged. Here's an overview of what's been going on in my life(more details to come in the future with stories):
Carrie visited me, we had a blast wandering around Rome, seeing the Vatican Museums and the beautiful Sistine Chapel, going to Assisi(also beautiful) and hanging out. At the end, we saw Gino again, then went to the Hilton for the night(thanks dad) and watched a movie with ice cream! Perfect ending. It was great to bond with my little sister, we barely get to see each other now that we're in college so it was great to hang out.
After Carrie left, I went to Termini and left with my two friends Esther and Pooja for Venice, Italy. Venice is amazing! We drank wine out of water bottles from a little place in Venice that pumps wine out of flasks(into water bottles, of course), we tried on Carnavale masks, ate on the banks of the river, fed the pigeons from our hands in St. Mark's Square, and found the X from Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade. Remember? Indy goes to Venice to find the tomb of the knight that contains the other half of the grail map. We found the library(actually a church) in the center of Venice at Campo San Barnaba, or the Church of San Barnaba. It's relatively easy to find in the center of the city. Have some gelato in that square and then walk south to the canal.
A week later was spring break and brett visited me. I was supposed to pick him up at the airport at 7:30 am, so I set my alarm the night before and did my laundry. When I woke up at 11 am, I nearly peed my pants. I raced to Fiumicino airport, illegally riding the train there, but brett wasn't there. Afterwards, I took the train home, racing to find Brett. I didn't buy a ticket that time either, but this time they checked! I got up real casual, walked to the front of the train, and realized I was screwed. I talked to the conductor at the front, who informed me that I'd have to pay a fine of 25 euros in addition to the 11 euro ticket. I talked with him for 10 minutes, and the ticket collector had already walked through the train. He saw me speaking with the conductor, and he must've assumed I had a ticket, because I walked right by him! Crisis avoided and 36 euros richer, I walked off the train. Later that day, I found brett and was thrilled to see him. I set him up in my place and then went to the US Ambassador's place for drinks(more on that later).
Brett and I had a blast in Rome. We went to Naples, Pompeii, saw most of Rome and many churches in the city. Best of all was our talks. We're deep talkers and our conversation inside the Vatican prayer area is one that I'll never forget. We were both marveling at where we are in life, and Brett told me some advice his friend had gotten. Whenever he would despair, Brett's friend's dad would stop him and ask "Joe, look at your feet. Look where you are." I think it's some of the best advice I've ever heard. Look where you are. Think about it.
Anyways, I was sad to see brett go, but glad I stayed in Italy. The rest of Europe was freezing that weekend in March!
So, the last weekend of March, I went to Ravenna for class. It's a little town north of Bologna in the arch of North East Italy. I went for my Early Christian and Byzantine Art class, and we spent the weekend looking at ancient churches and murals. It wasn't too exciting, but I did get to see an amazing mural, very famous that I've seen in history books in the Basilica of San Vitale(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Basilica_of_San_Vitale). Very cool.
My Easter was splendid. I went to mass with the Pope at 10:30 am, it was awesome. I had bought a tie from Enzo, an Italian friend I made in a tie shop on Via Vittorio Emmanuelle. He's 79, 6', and used to play on the Italian National Basketball team. I told him about my grandfather and how he made the Polish olympic soccer team, but never went because he broke his leg. Enzo still plays basketball, we swapped more stories, he sold me a 100% Italian Silk tie, and then invited me back for coffee sometime. To know me is to love me. I wore that tie to Easter mass, but didn't recieve communion at Mass. There were too many people. People were screaming, waving, jumping up and down for communion. But the tight schedule of the mass seemed to take priority, and many priests turned back before they finished. One priest, God Bless his soul, kept administering communion until he was literally pulled away by a security guard. I ended up going to a nearby church for communion.
There were no more Romans left in Rome on Easter weekend, they all left! Millions of tourists took their place. It was insane. Very eerie feeling in the city.
I started eating at 1 pm that day, and didn't stop till 11 pm. My friend Gillian had her family in town, and they were gracious enough to take us all out to dinner. Great to be in a family atmosphere for Easter. They were very kind and I am in their debt.
Gillian's friend Nikki came over Easter, and next thing I knew all of us were partying every night! I've never gone out so much, and I don't think there was a night I went to bed before 4 am. What a blast.
Finally, I went to Pompeii this past weekend and climbed Vesuvius! A live volcano, and I climbed it. I was looking down into the pit of Vesuvius, marveling at this amazing mountain that had just erupted 63 years ago. Really blows the mind. It was raining, but still magnificent. While in Pompeii, we wandered the large city(all single floor, so very spread out, a lot of walking) for a few hours with a good tour guide. Incredible to see the actual petrified bodies of the dead(they were very small), bent backwards in a horrifying scream of agony, arms protecting their face, as they were overcome by hot ash. Apparently, the air was so hot that their heads exploded. Pretty awesome. I thought of the movie Mars Attacks! where they play Hank Williams until the aliens brains pop. I'm in Pompeii and this is what I think of, sheesh.
Anyways, we saw Sorrento after that, beautiful city. Had a great view of the coast and made my way back to Rome on Sunday.
Yesterday, one of my best friends, Tim was here, it was so good to see him. We hadn't gotten together since January, and then suddenly we were in Rome together. It was great! He saw me across St. Peter's Square and we were running towards one another "TIM!" "MIKE!" We hugged. I might have twirled him. We looked like we were a little too close, but we didn't care. Nothing like an old friend. I've seen so much of Rome, Italy and Europe, but there's so much more to do! Hard to believe that it's almost over!
It's been a month since I really sat down and blogged. Here's an overview of what's been going on in my life(more details to come in the future with stories):
Carrie visited me, we had a blast wandering around Rome, seeing the Vatican Museums and the beautiful Sistine Chapel, going to Assisi(also beautiful) and hanging out. At the end, we saw Gino again, then went to the Hilton for the night(thanks dad) and watched a movie with ice cream! Perfect ending. It was great to bond with my little sister, we barely get to see each other now that we're in college so it was great to hang out.
After Carrie left, I went to Termini and left with my two friends Esther and Pooja for Venice, Italy. Venice is amazing! We drank wine out of water bottles from a little place in Venice that pumps wine out of flasks(into water bottles, of course), we tried on Carnavale masks, ate on the banks of the river, fed the pigeons from our hands in St. Mark's Square, and found the X from Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade. Remember? Indy goes to Venice to find the tomb of the knight that contains the other half of the grail map. We found the library(actually a church) in the center of Venice at Campo San Barnaba, or the Church of San Barnaba. It's relatively easy to find in the center of the city. Have some gelato in that square and then walk south to the canal.
A week later was spring break and brett visited me. I was supposed to pick him up at the airport at 7:30 am, so I set my alarm the night before and did my laundry. When I woke up at 11 am, I nearly peed my pants. I raced to Fiumicino airport, illegally riding the train there, but brett wasn't there. Afterwards, I took the train home, racing to find Brett. I didn't buy a ticket that time either, but this time they checked! I got up real casual, walked to the front of the train, and realized I was screwed. I talked to the conductor at the front, who informed me that I'd have to pay a fine of 25 euros in addition to the 11 euro ticket. I talked with him for 10 minutes, and the ticket collector had already walked through the train. He saw me speaking with the conductor, and he must've assumed I had a ticket, because I walked right by him! Crisis avoided and 36 euros richer, I walked off the train. Later that day, I found brett and was thrilled to see him. I set him up in my place and then went to the US Ambassador's place for drinks(more on that later).
Brett and I had a blast in Rome. We went to Naples, Pompeii, saw most of Rome and many churches in the city. Best of all was our talks. We're deep talkers and our conversation inside the Vatican prayer area is one that I'll never forget. We were both marveling at where we are in life, and Brett told me some advice his friend had gotten. Whenever he would despair, Brett's friend's dad would stop him and ask "Joe, look at your feet. Look where you are." I think it's some of the best advice I've ever heard. Look where you are. Think about it.
Anyways, I was sad to see brett go, but glad I stayed in Italy. The rest of Europe was freezing that weekend in March!
So, the last weekend of March, I went to Ravenna for class. It's a little town north of Bologna in the arch of North East Italy. I went for my Early Christian and Byzantine Art class, and we spent the weekend looking at ancient churches and murals. It wasn't too exciting, but I did get to see an amazing mural, very famous that I've seen in history books in the Basilica of San Vitale(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Basilica_of_San_Vitale). Very cool.
My Easter was splendid. I went to mass with the Pope at 10:30 am, it was awesome. I had bought a tie from Enzo, an Italian friend I made in a tie shop on Via Vittorio Emmanuelle. He's 79, 6', and used to play on the Italian National Basketball team. I told him about my grandfather and how he made the Polish olympic soccer team, but never went because he broke his leg. Enzo still plays basketball, we swapped more stories, he sold me a 100% Italian Silk tie, and then invited me back for coffee sometime. To know me is to love me. I wore that tie to Easter mass, but didn't recieve communion at Mass. There were too many people. People were screaming, waving, jumping up and down for communion. But the tight schedule of the mass seemed to take priority, and many priests turned back before they finished. One priest, God Bless his soul, kept administering communion until he was literally pulled away by a security guard. I ended up going to a nearby church for communion.
There were no more Romans left in Rome on Easter weekend, they all left! Millions of tourists took their place. It was insane. Very eerie feeling in the city.
I started eating at 1 pm that day, and didn't stop till 11 pm. My friend Gillian had her family in town, and they were gracious enough to take us all out to dinner. Great to be in a family atmosphere for Easter. They were very kind and I am in their debt.
Gillian's friend Nikki came over Easter, and next thing I knew all of us were partying every night! I've never gone out so much, and I don't think there was a night I went to bed before 4 am. What a blast.
Finally, I went to Pompeii this past weekend and climbed Vesuvius! A live volcano, and I climbed it. I was looking down into the pit of Vesuvius, marveling at this amazing mountain that had just erupted 63 years ago. Really blows the mind. It was raining, but still magnificent. While in Pompeii, we wandered the large city(all single floor, so very spread out, a lot of walking) for a few hours with a good tour guide. Incredible to see the actual petrified bodies of the dead(they were very small), bent backwards in a horrifying scream of agony, arms protecting their face, as they were overcome by hot ash. Apparently, the air was so hot that their heads exploded. Pretty awesome. I thought of the movie Mars Attacks! where they play Hank Williams until the aliens brains pop. I'm in Pompeii and this is what I think of, sheesh.
Anyways, we saw Sorrento after that, beautiful city. Had a great view of the coast and made my way back to Rome on Sunday.
Yesterday, one of my best friends, Tim was here, it was so good to see him. We hadn't gotten together since January, and then suddenly we were in Rome together. It was great! He saw me across St. Peter's Square and we were running towards one another "TIM!" "MIKE!" We hugged. I might have twirled him. We looked like we were a little too close, but we didn't care. Nothing like an old friend. I've seen so much of Rome, Italy and Europe, but there's so much more to do! Hard to believe that it's almost over!
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